The love for writing came to me in the form of a night dream that I had in August 2007.
That night, I dreamed of myself writing books.
I literary saw myself at a table, writing books.
When I woke up the next day, I didn’t know how exactly to interpret that dream but I knew one thing:
I had to act upon it.
The pull to take action was so strong that I could not have ignored it even if I wanted to. I grabbed a few white sheets and a pen and I started writing.
The fruit of my labor will have shown 6 months in the form of the manuscript of my first novel, Seductive Ambiguity.
Every day for 6 months, I wrote daily for about 2 hours.
The excitement was there; the joy and pleasure were at their peak each time I settled in my comfortable armchair and wrote.
The connection was incredible, the flow was abundant and the thrill of discovering where the story will take me next was pure fire. Even so, there was always something that I experienced every time before started writing:
Fear.
Fear of being judged.
Fear of the unknown.
Fear that I may fail with the story.
Fear that I may not be able to write it as it was meant to be written.
Fear that everyone would laugh at me when seeing that I had a vision but failed painfully.
Fear that once published, a more experienced writer or reader might come to me and say: “Young lady I ve, read your book and it seems you haven’t done your homework properly. And you call yourself a writer? Next time spend more time on research, on studying the writing styles of the greats and on creating more complex plots.”
The embarrassment of this possible reality froze my mind many times. But I loved to write. I loved it so much. And I loved the story. There was no way I could have stopped because now the story was a part of me and so my writing. These two had become part of who I was as a human and person.
One day, as I was working on the story and experiencing once again the pleasure of writing, I said to myself:
I don’t know where the story will take me. I don’t know it will make any sense or not, in the end. Nevertheless, I will give my best at it and will write daily, having a clear focus: the pleasure of writing.
I wrote that day. I wrote the next day. I wrote the day after that and to my own surprise, the more I faced my doubts and fears that would, otherwise, have prevent me from writing, the more I expanded on all levels:
My mind, my soul and my heart and the more I expanded as a human and writer.
As I allowed myself to be carried by the story just as a boat is being carried by the river, the more I distanced myself from the negative voices in my mind. Moreover, with each day I heard them less and less, because now my whole attention was on the story and the excitement of discovering it; of seeing where it takes me, what will happen next, what the characters will do.
As I was discovering my inner universe and literary labyrinth, the more I saw the truth, the more I saw my potential and talent as a writer and novelist, and all this allowed me to accept this truth and accept that my mission in this world is to write.
The more I wrote, the more I could dig inside of me and find/see the literary diamond that is there, just like a worker goes inside the mine and the more he searches for the precious gems the more he finds them.
And once he does so, there’s no doubt in him anymore that this is what he was meant to do all along. Maybe he doubted that the gems were there but the fact that he focused and kept digging is what allowed him to find them.
Writing is not an easy journey, and I should know I’ve been doing this for so many years and I still sometimes experience fears and doubts.
In fact, the bigger the themes I aim to write about the bigger the doubts. However, at the same time, I know that the work is the remedy. I know that doing the work is the cure and those doubts and limiting beliefs won’t be silenced if one stays away from their life`s work.
On the contrary, they will be silenced only when you put in front of them the truth of who you are. You make them bow before you just like servants bow before their king when you share your work daily and you show them, thus, what extraordinary talents, gifts and skills are within you. You silence these doubts when you see, as you do your work, what you are made of – this is when fears and doubts bow their heads to you and keep quiet as there’s nothing else they can say when they see the marvel of your God-given and unique talent.
I hope this brings you today the insights and shifts you need to aim even higher.
Much love,
Cristina
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